I was recently chatting with a client who confessed to being completely stuck. He was feeling angry and resentful because no one in leadership, not even his previous manager, the CTO, was listening to his innovative ideas. It turned out that his new boss, the only person he was sharing those ideas with, was a communication black hole. When I asked what his thoughts were on sharing his ideas more broadly, his concern was revealing, “I don’t want to come off as an a**hole. How do I tell if I’m being confident or just arrogant?”

It’s ironic, really. The folks who are actually low on confidence are usually the ones sweating about seeming too arrogant. If that’s a familiar worry for you, here’s a litmus test to quickly sort it out: Are you being driven by curiosity or fear and disdain?

Confident leaders have this inviting vibe—they’re calm, steady, and curious. They’re comfortable in their own skin, knowing what they’re good at and equally open about areas where they don’t have all the answers and could use some help. This doesn’t make them weak; it makes them human and relatable and builds solid trust. You’ll hear them asking for opinions, genuinely considering them, and integrating that feedback into their worldview. The have strong ideas, held loosely, and their mantra is akin to “Here’s my approach—what do you think?”

On the flip side, arrogance tends to sneak in when we feel insecure or we think we’re better than the other person. Arrogant leaders feel the need to protect their viewpoints, and they have a bristly presence that pushes people away. They come across as know-it-alls and shut down other people’s ideas because, deep down, they’re scared of being challenged. Needless to say, this can squash communication, collaboration, and morale.

If you’re feeling uneasy about how you’re coming across, tune into how people are reacting around you. Are they backing off during discussions and skipping the small talk? Does the room go quiet when you pitch ideas? Are people hunching down and avoiding eye contact? Are you getting less honest feedback than before? All of those are signs that you might need to change your approach.

Also be mindful your body language, tone, and the words you choose. Their undercurrent can subtly (or drastically) shift how people perceive, and react, to you. Open body language, friendly tones, and phrases that express gratitude and encourage openness can significantly boost your team’s sense of belonging and loyalty.

Lastly, check in with yourself and reflect back on your own thoughts and actions. How often do you celebrate your team’s contributions or incorporate their input into your decisions? When things go wrong, how often do you own up and share with the team as a group learning opportunity? When you’re getting feedback, do you listen with curiosity to understand or are you waiting for them to zip it so you can take over the conversation?

Reflecting on these aspects of your leadership helps you steer clear of arrogance and ensure you’re leading with respect and balance. But just because you’re avoiding arrogance doesn’t mean you’re automatically radiating confidence. Building true confidence is a separate journey, often deeply deeply rooted in our childhood experiences. That’s a complex topic for another time. For now, focusing on being a thoughtful and inclusive leader is a great place to start.